The Witch Demands a Retraction

The Witch Demands a Retraction

Author: Melissa Balmain

Publisher:

Published: 2021-04-15

Total Pages: 44

ISBN-13: 9781954158061

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Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business. Early Praise for The Witch Demands a Retraction: "If you're looking for the perfect bedtime poetry to send your little ones peacefully to dreamland, keep moving. In The Witch Demands a Retraction, Melissa Balmain's poetic retakes of classic fairytales, 'happy endings' means something else, and Mama Bear finds a clue in her bed that Goldilocks was not after the porridge. Witty, cringey, and hilarious. For every parent who wants a break from sincerity, and for every bad aunt or uncle looking for the perfect gift - this is your book." - Tom Bodett, author and NPR personality "This is an extremely irresponsible book - imprudent, unconscionable, certain to emotionally scar impressionable children for life. I highly recommend it." - Gene Weingarten, syndicated humor columnist, The Washington Post "Like Leopold and Loeb, Balmain and Barrett are a pair that will go down in history-not that I'm implying anything. It's just that when the right pair gets together at the right time, great things happen. And if a cousin or two had to die for this book? Totally worth it." - Michael Gerber, Publisher, The American Bystander "Does anyone say, 'OH NO SHE DI-INT!' anymore? Because that will be your response to basically every poem in this treat of a book. Balmain turns every fairy tale on its head and shows us its panties, none the worse for wear. Just don't be drinking anything while you read, because these verses are a recipe for spit takes. Balmain has a warped mind and astonishing wit matched thoroughly by her warm heart. Come for the fart joke, stay for the sly and bawdy feminism."- Faith Salie, comedian, author, journalist, seen & heard on CBS, NPR & PBS


Walking in on People (Able Muse Book Award)

Walking in on People (Able Muse Book Award)

Author: Melissa Balmain

Publisher: Able Muse Press

Published: 2014-06-23

Total Pages: 102

ISBN-13: 1927409306

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In Melissa Balmain’s Walking in on People, the serious is lightened with a generous serving of wit and humor, and the lighthearted is enriched with abundant wisdom. She shows us how poetry can be fun yet grounded in everyday challenges and triumphs, with subjects ranging from the current and hip (Facebook posts, online dating, layoffs, retail therapy, cell-phone apps, trans fat), to the traditional and time-tested (marriage, child-rearing, love, death). Through it all, her craft is masterful, with a formal dexterity deployed with precision in a showcase of forms such as the villanelle, ballad, triolet, nonce, and the sonnet. It is little wonder then that Walking in on People is the winner of the 2013 Able Muse Book Award, as selected by the final judge, X.J. Kennedy. This is a collection that will not only entertain thoroughly, but also enlighten and reward the reader. PRAISE FOR WALKING IN ON PEOPLE: Walking in on People grabbed me with its very title, and it never let go. Poetry these days is rarely so entertaining, so beautifully crafted, so sharp of eye, yet so wise and warm of heart. Melissa Balmain keenly perceives faults in people and in our popular culture, with piercing wit but never bitterness. Don’t miss the wonderful “Lament,” on what it takes to write a best seller, or “The Marital Bed,” a love poem with naturalistic detail. She really commands her art. Indeed, I think any poet who rhymes lobsters and Jersey mobsters deserves to have an equestrian statue of herself erected in Bangor or Newark or both. — X.J. Kennedy (Judge, 2013 Able Muse Book Award) Melissa Balmain’s poems add to the rhythmic bounce of light verse a darker, more cutting humor. The result is an infectious, often hilarious blend of the sweet and the lethal, the charming and the acidic. — Billy Collins So many of the poems in Melissa Balmain’s triumphant debut lodge themselves in that Frostian zone where they are hard to get rid of. They recur in the mind in moments of hilarity and pathos, of exaltation and mortification, and they never let us go. — David Yezzi (from the foreword) Accessible and entertaining poetry doesn't often prevail over the grim personal memoir in poetry contests, but this time the judges were smart. They went for Melissa Balmain's stylish and always metrically perfect wit. You can relate to this poetry if you have ever: longed to save the restaurant lobsters from their fate, lost your lover to his electronic devices, faced the fact that babies are ugly and toddlers suppress your genius, or (of course) walked in on people in all the wrong places. With diverse forms, inventive rhymes, the right word always chosen and a sense of humor always in evidence—you really have no excuse not to buy this book. — Gail White


Killer Verse

Killer Verse

Author: Harold Schechter

Publisher: Everyman's Library

Published: 2011-09-06

Total Pages: 258

ISBN-13: 0307700933

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Killer Verse: Poems of Murder and Mayhem is a spine-tingling collection of terrifically creepy poems about the deadly art of murder. The villains and victims who populate these pages range from Cain and Abel and Bluebeard and his wives to Lizzie Borden, Jack the Ripper, and Mafia hit men. The literary forms they inhabit are just as varied, from the colorful melodramas of old Scottish ballads to the hard-boiled poetry of twentieth-century noir, from lighthearted comic riffs to profound poetic musings on murder. Robert Browning, Thomas Hardy, W. H. Auden, Stevie Smith, Mark Doty, Frank Bidart, Toi Derricotte, Lynn Emanuel, and Cornelius Eady are only a few of the many poets, old and new, whose work is captured in this heart-stopping—and criminally entertaining—collection.


How to Be Successful without Hurting Men's Feelings

How to Be Successful without Hurting Men's Feelings

Author: Sarah Cooper

Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing

Published: 2018-10-30

Total Pages: 216

ISBN-13: 1449488935

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Chapters include, among others, “9 Non-threatening Leadership Strategies for Women,” "How to Ace Your Job Interview Without Over-acing It," and “Choose Your Own Adventure: Do You Want to Be Likable or Successful?” It even includes several pages to doodle on while men finish what they're saying. Each chapter also features an exercise with a set of "inaction items" designed to challenge women to be less challenging. And, when all else fails, a set of wearable mustaches is included to allow women to seem more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change their leadership style. In fact, it may even lead to a quick promotion!


Before You Know Kindness

Before You Know Kindness

Author: Chris Bohjalian

Publisher: Vintage

Published: 2005-08-09

Total Pages: 450

ISBN-13: 1400031656

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NATIONAL BESTSELLER • From the bestselling author of The Flight Attendant, here is a novel that examines wildly divisive American issues like gun control and animal rights with Chris Bohjalian’s trademark emotional heft and spellbinding storytelling skill. For ten summers, the Seton family—all three generations—met at their country home in New England to spend a week together playing tennis, badminton, and golf, and savoring gin and tonics on the wraparound porch to celebrate the end of the season. In the eleventh summer, everything changed. A hunting rifle with a single cartridge left in the chamber wound up in exactly the wrong hands at exactly the wrong time, and led to a nightmarish accident that put to the test the values that unite the family—and the convictions that just may pull it apart. Look for Chris Bohjalian's new novel, The Lioness!


Irreversible Damage

Irreversible Damage

Author: Abigail Shrier

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

Published: 2020-06-30

Total Pages: 180

ISBN-13: 1684510465

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NAMED A BOOK OF THE YEAR BY THE ECONOMIST AND ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF 2021 BY THE TIMES AND THE SUNDAY TIMES "Irreversible Damage . . . has caused a storm. Abigail Shrier, a Wall Street Journal writer, does something simple yet devastating: she rigorously lays out the facts." —Janice Turner, The Times of London Until just a few years ago, gender dysphoria—severe discomfort in one’s biological sex—was vanishingly rare. It was typically found in less than .01 percent of the population, emerged in early childhood, and afflicted males almost exclusively. But today whole groups of female friends in colleges, high schools, and even middle schools across the country are coming out as “transgender.” These are girls who had never experienced any discomfort in their biological sex until they heard a coming-out story from a speaker at a school assembly or discovered the internet community of trans “influencers.” Unsuspecting parents are awakening to find their daughters in thrall to hip trans YouTube stars and “gender-affirming” educators and therapists who push life-changing interventions on young girls—including medically unnecessary double mastectomies and puberty blockers that can cause permanent infertility. Abigail Shrier, a writer for the Wall Street Journal, has dug deep into the trans epidemic, talking to the girls, their agonized parents, and the counselors and doctors who enable gender transitions, as well as to “detransitioners”—young women who bitterly regret what they have done to themselves. Coming out as transgender immediately boosts these girls’ social status, Shrier finds, but once they take the first steps of transition, it is not easy to walk back. She offers urgently needed advice about how parents can protect their daughters. A generation of girls is at risk. Abigail Shrier’s essential book will help you understand what the trans craze is and how you can inoculate your child against it—or how to retrieve her from this dangerous path.


From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts

From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts

Author: Michael Bleicher

Publisher: Lulu.com

Published: 2019-09-06

Total Pages: 320

ISBN-13: 0359807267

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From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts is the story of two insulated Upper West Side journalists, Harold Carlyle, a self-serving, incompetent reporter desperate to save both his career and marriage, and his wife, Pattie, an observant, sharp-tongued, and successful television critic. When Harold is assigned to cover the 2016 Presidential Election, he devises a scheme to save his marriage by taking Pattie with him across the country. From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts dives into the contradictory, divided, and all-too-often unsettling state of the union. Like Huck Finn meets Game Change, the novel examines the politicians and popular figures who played starring roles in 2016 and holds up a mirror to the electorate that ultimately made Trumpism possible.


Barking At the Moon

Barking At the Moon

Author: Tracy Beckerman

Publisher: Greenleaf Book Group

Published: 2021-06-29

Total Pages: 220

ISBN-13: 1632993945

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How do you housebreak a dog in a hurricane? When Riley comes into her family’s life, award-winning humor columnist Tracy Beckerman realizes she got a lot more than she bargained for. From tracking wet cement through the house to shredding the family’s underwear, Riley is a one-dog wrecking ball. Yet this lovable retriever also brings joy, laughter, and a renewed sense of wonder into the household. At times hilarious and heartwarming, Barking at the Moon speaks to life’s growing pains, and to mothering children both human and furry. With Beckerman’s trademark wit and heart, she reminds us that no matter what stage of life we’re in, we can learn a lot from the dogs who teach us how to stop and enjoy the ride.


Dragon's Bait

Dragon's Bait

Author: Vivian Vande Velde

Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Published: 2003-04-01

Total Pages: 212

ISBN-13: 0547416946

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In this fantasy adventure, a teenage girl accused of witchcraft and sentenced to death by dragon finds an unexpected friend—and maybe something more. Fifteen-year-old Alys is not a witch. But that doesn’t matter—the villagers think she is and have staked her out on a hillside as a sacrifice to the local dragon. It’s late, it’s cold, and it’s raining, and Alys can think of only one thing—revenge. But first she’s got to escape, and even if she does, how can one girl possibly take on an entire town alone? Then the dragon arrives—a dragon that could quite possibly be the perfect ally…. An ALA Quick Pick for Reluctant Young Adult Readers A New York Public Library Book for the Teen Age “Wicked wit and charm . . . as well as a gutsy heroine and a sexy dragon.” —Booklist “Alys herself is a worthy heroine, with a capricious gift for irony. A thoughtful mainstream fantasy.” —Publishers Weekly “[A] dark, bittersweet romance.” —Kirkus Reviews


Spare Parts

Spare Parts

Author: Paul Craddock

Publisher: Penguin UK

Published: 2021-08-26

Total Pages: 186

ISBN-13: 0241370272

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'Compelling' Christopher Hart, The Sunday Times 'A fascinating book' Daily Mail _______________________________________________________________ We think of transplant surgery as one of the medical wonders of the modern world -- but it's a lot older than you think. As ancient as the pyramids, its history is even more surprising. In Spare Parts, cultural historian Paul Craddock takes us on a fascinating journey and unearths incredible untold stories, from Indian surgeons regrafting lost noses in the sixth century BC, to the seventeenth century architect who helped pioneer blood transfusions, to the French seamstress whose needlework paved the way for kidney transplants in the early 1900s. Expertly weaving together philosophy, science and cultural history, Spare Parts explores how transplant surgery has constantly tested the boundaries between human, animal and machine. It shows us that the history -- and future -- of transplant surgery is tied up with questions not only about who we are, but also what we are, and what we might become. _______________________________________________________________ 'By turns delightful and disturbing . . . A thoroughly engrossing read that I couldn't put down' LINDSEY FITZHARRIS, author of The Facemaker and The Butchering Art 'Spare Parts is a fascinating read filled with adventure, delight and surprise' RAHUL JANDIAL, surgeon and author of Life on a Knife's Edge 'This is a joyful romp through a fascinating slice of medical history' WENDY MOORE, author of The Knife Man