A MASSIVE COLLECTION OF LAUGHABLE, CHEESY JOKES PERFECT FOR AMUSING DADS WHILE SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING THE KIDS As groan-inducing as they are hilarious, dad jokes are the punny one-liners and oh-so-clever quips fathers never tire of telling. With this massive collection, no Dad will ever lack new material to make his kids facepalm: • A watermelon and a honeydew wanted to get married right away, but they cantaloupe. • After Humpty Dumpty recovered from his fall, he was just a shell of his former self. • Sign language interpreters have to lean sideways to translate something in italics. • Anyone with a wheat allergy that routinely eats pasta is just a gluten for punishment. • A chord walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, “We don’t serve minors.”
A relentless barrage of zany, off-the-wall humour, 1001 jokes, puns and one-liners, plumbed exclusively from the innermost depths and far-out corridors of an extremely vivid imagination. You won't have encountered anything like this addictive little beauty before; not a swear word in sight, it would be equally at home in the hands of kids or grandmas, whilst still supplying sufficient ammunition to torment your mates into submission. Guaranteed to put a smile on your face, and no wonder with jokes like these: Mobile phones have been around longer than people think. I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger. I was considering investing in a Chinese distillery but decided against it. Whiskey business. I went to the waxworks but legged it when I saw this woman coming towards me, swinging a pair of giant blades. I discovered later it was Madame Two Swords. Michael Phelps and the Thorpedo: they think they're God's gift to swimming. As an ex-paratrooper, I definitely thought my bill for dental work was a bridge too far. I had a real bad accident at the saw mill. My other half says we should sue for compensation. I've just lost my job at the snuff factory. I was sacked for pinching. I walked into Leeds station and asked the route to Bristol. I said, is it Leeds to Sheffield, then Derby, Birmingham, Cheltenham Spa and Gloucester? He said, it's somewhere along those lines. Someone said there was a decent turn on at the working men's club. When I got there, it was an Arctic sea bird with a big, yellow beak. I found my hotel bathroom stuffed with chickens. It was hen-suite. Boy racers. They're the torque of the town. Every time it's nice outside, there's this American pop duo that stand on a street corner, giving money away. It's Sunny and Share.
One of the legends of show biz delves into his personal treasury of jokes ("The most comprehensive storehouse of 20th-century humor in the world"--Los Angeles Magazine) to present the most astounding array of one-liners, anecdotes, quips, and gags ever published. Line drawings.
New for 2020! Easy Father's Day gift for your favorite guy! The Ultimate Dad Joke Book is jam packed with family friendly, clean and hysterical jokes that are great for everyone from your toddler to your great-grandma! Buckle up and get ready for some knee slapping, head shaking and gut busting laughter every time you flip a page. Over 500 hilarious jokes, puns and one-liners Squeaky clean, family safe jokes for kids (and adults) of all ages Great selection of time honored classics and all new jokes for 2020 Grab your copy today and channel your inner dad with some amazingly groan worthy humor bombs!
Hundreds of very funny, silly jokes on every topic you can think of! What's the difference between an elephant and a biscuit? You can't dunk an elephant in your tea. Why did the monster get good marks in his exam? Because two heads are better than one. What do you call a woman with a tortoise on her head? Shelley. With over 750 jokes, The Bumper Book of Very Silly Jokes will have kids and adults laughing non-stop! The perfect book for rainy days at home or long car journeys.
By the New York Times bestselling author of The Bone Clocks and Cloud Atlas A gallery attendant at the Hermitage. A young jazz buff in Tokyo. A crooked British lawyer in Hong Kong. A disc jockey in Manhattan. A physicist in Ireland. An elderly woman running a tea shack in rural China. A cult-controlled terrorist in Okinawa. A musician in London. A transmigrating spirit in Mongolia. What is the common thread of coincidence or destiny that connects the lives of these nine souls in nine far-flung countries, stretching across the globe from east to west? What pattern do their linked fates form through time and space? A writer of pyrotechnic virtuosity and profound compassion, a mind to which nothing human is alien, David Mitchell spins genres, cultures, and ideas like gossamer threads around and through these nine linked stories. Many forces bind these lives, but at root all involve the same universal longing for connection and transcendence, an axis of commonality that leads in two directions—to creation and to destruction. In the end, as lives converge with a fearful symmetry, Ghostwritten comes full circle, to a point at which a familiar idea—that whether the planet is vast or small is merely a matter of perspective—strikes home with the force of a new revelation. It marks the debut of a writer of astonishing gifts.
By the New York Times bestselling author of The Bone Clocks and Cloud Atlas | Longlisted for the Man Booker Prize Selected by Time as One of the Ten Best Books of the Year | A New York Times Notable Book | Named One of the Best Books of the Year by The Washington Post Book World, The Christian Science Monitor, Rocky Mountain News, and Kirkus Reviews | A Los Angeles Times Book Prize Finalist | Winner of the ALA Alex Award | Finalist for the Costa Novel Award From award-winning writer David Mitchell comes a sinewy, meditative novel of boyhood on the cusp of adulthood and the old on the cusp of the new. Black Swan Green tracks a single year in what is, for thirteen-year-old Jason Taylor, the sleepiest village in muddiest Worcestershire in a dying Cold War England, 1982. But the thirteen chapters, each a short story in its own right, create an exquisitely observed world that is anything but sleepy. A world of Kissingeresque realpolitik enacted in boys’ games on a frozen lake; of “nightcreeping” through the summer backyards of strangers; of the tabloid-fueled thrills of the Falklands War and its human toll; of the cruel, luscious Dawn Madden and her power-hungry boyfriend, Ross Wilcox; of a certain Madame Eva van Outryve de Crommelynck, an elderly bohemian emigré who is both more and less than she appears; of Jason’s search to replace his dead grandfather’s irreplaceable smashed watch before the crime is discovered; of first cigarettes, first kisses, first Duran Duran LPs, and first deaths; of Margaret Thatcher’s recession; of Gypsies camping in the woods and the hysteria they inspire; and, even closer to home, of a slow-motion divorce in four seasons. Pointed, funny, profound, left-field, elegiac, and painted with the stuff of life, Black Swan Green is David Mitchell’s subtlest and most effective achievement to date. Praise for Black Swan Green “[David Mitchell has created] one of the most endearing, smart, and funny young narrators ever to rise up from the pages of a novel. . . . The always fresh and brilliant writing will carry readers back to their own childhoods. . . . This enchanting novel makes us remember exactly what it was like.”—The Boston Globe “[David Mitchell is a] prodigiously daring and imaginative young writer. . . . As in the works of Thomas Pynchon and Herman Melville, one feels the roof of the narrative lifted off and oneself in thrall.”—Time
Chris Reed, professionally known as Plastician is a world renowned DJ and Producer. He is also known for his love of awful jokes and puns, or "Dad Jokes" as the world has crowned them. After years of littering twitter with these one liners, pressure has mounted on him to compile them into a handy book - something that can be stored in the home or in a bag that can be referenced in times of need. Whether for use as a self helping pick me up, or some revision ahead of an important meeting where you need to really flex your wit among colleagues and potential new clients. This book contains some of those famed and often viral twitter posts, alongside hundreds of his favourite finds and some brand new jokes that are yet to be posted. At the end of 2020, it's important we smile in the face of adversity - so expect plenty of COVID-19 puns in here for good measure - right in time for Christmas! So if you're a Dad looking to level up, a Mum who appreciates a bad joke, or perhaps even just want to support a musician being advised to retrain by the UK government - The Dad Joke Bible is the book for you.
Enchanting, timeless children's classics by A.A. MilneRobert Louis Stevenson and more. Includes "The Owl and the Pussy Cat", "The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat", "Wynken, Blynken and Nod", as well as other beloved favorites.
The Drowning Guard explores the riddle of Esma -- who is at once a murderer and a champion and liberator of women -- and the man who loves her in spite of her horrifying crimes.
