Secrets come in all shapes and sizes. And for families as well as individuals, they are built on a complex web of shifting motives and emotions. But today, when personal revelations are posted on the Internet or sensationalized on afternoon talk shows, we risk losing touch with how important secrets are--how they are used and abused, their power to harm and heal. In this important work, Evan Imber-Black explores the nature of secrets, helping us understand: The distinction between healthy privacy and toxic secrecy What to tell--and not to tell--young children How to safely confront a family "zone of silence" Why adolescents need to have some secrets--and where to draw the line The effect of "official" secrets, like sealed adoption records and medical testing What to consider before revealing an important secret And much more Filled with moving first-person stories, The Secret Life of Families provides perspective on some of today's most sensitive personal and social issues. Giving voice to our deepest fears and to our power to overcome them, this is a book that will be talked about for years to come.
Listen to tiny tales from Buzzwing the hardworking honeybee. Combining nonfiction with a splash of fantasy, The Secret Life of Bees is a book to get lost in, time and again.
Secret-keeping is a seemingly unavoidable part of human interaction, from governments to married couples. Unlike privacy, which in the West is considered a healthy characteristic of the autonomous adult, secrets are often troublesome, creating distorted perceptions and strained relationships. Secrets, moreover, are complex. They differ in significance (a surprise party versus hidden incest), in the ways they shape family relationships (who knows what about whom), in their location (between family members or between the family and society), and in their effects on individual functioning (Does the secret affect only one relationship or the overall way the individual responds to others?). Because of this complexity, secrets are resistant to simple "rules": Therapy must comprise more than opening up the secret or addressing only the context and not the content or vice versa. Therapists are confronted with the difficult task of examining their own values regarding secrecy while, at the same time, providing an effective therapeutic environment. Practical issues of individual safety, the meaning of the secret for the family, the therapist's attitude towards secrets in general and the family's secret in particular - all must be considered in order for treatment to be effective. Here, Imber-Black and her contributors offer a vast array of approaches to helping families deal with secrets involving sexuality, race, violence, parentage, substance abuse, illness, and death. The contributors explore the therapeutic, social, and political issues of secrets, while always keeping families firmly in mind. Through the many case examples, they show us how families, at first constricted by the need tomaintain secrecy, can gain strength through greater openness. Part I sets the stage by defining secrets and their often shame-bound origins. Part II examines secrets throughout the family life cycle: in couples, between parents and children, and with loss. Part III shows how addictions such as drug abuse and eating disorders are often symptoms of unhealthy secrets. In Part IV, secrets of violence and abuse are discussed. Part V offers a comprehensive look at social secrets involving sexism, heterosexism, and taboos. Part VI discusses two very charged topics: secret-keeping involving race and racism and with AIDS. Part VII concludes the book by offering a pattern for teaching and handling secrets in therapist training. This diverse cast of talented therapists provides an elastic model for treating family secrets, while compelling us to reevaluate our own thinking about secrets.
What you don't know can hurt you— but it can also lead to self-acceptance and healing. Family Secrets gives you the tools you need to understand your family—and yourself—in an entirely new way. In his bestselling books and compelling PBS specials, John Bradshaw has transformed our understanding of how we are shaped by our families. Now join him on this fascinating journey of discovery, which starts with your life today and takes you back through the conflicts, the strengths, and the weaknesses of your parents’ generation—and even your grandparents’. Using a powerful technique for exploring your “family tree,” you’ll trace the visible and invisible patterns that have influenced you. You’ll learn about family secrets that are healthy and necessary, and also about the secrets that can limit your wholeness and freedom—even if you don’t know they exist. This work is sometimes painful, but it is always enlightening—filled with the kind of “aha” moments and realizations that make everything fall into place. With John Bradshaw’s guidance, you will come to a new appreciation and acceptance of yourself. You will also be able to build more open, honest, and loving relationships with the people who matter most.
A much-needed update to one of the most significant family therapy theories of the past century. Murray Bowen (1931–1990) was the first to study the family in a live-in setting and describe specific details about how families function as systems. Despite Bowen theory being based on research begun more than seventy years ago, the value of viewing human beings as profoundly emotionally-driven creatures and human families functioning as emotional units is more relevant than ever. This book, written by one of his closest collaborators, updates his still-radical theory with the latest approaches to understanding emotional development. Reduced to its most fundamental level, Bowen theory explains how people begin a relationship very close emotionally but become more distant over time. The ideas also help explain why good people do bad things, and bad people do good things, and how family life strengthens some members while weakening others. Gaining knowledge about previously unseen specifics of family interactions reveals a hidden life of families. The hidden life explains how the best of intentions can fail to produce the desired result, thus providing a blueprint for change. Part I of the book explains the core ideas in the theory. Part II describes the process of differentiation of self, which is the most important application of Bowen theory. People sometimes think of theories as "ivory tower" productions: interesting, but not necessarily practical. Differentiation of self is anything but; it has a well-tested real-world application. Part II includes four long case presentations of families in the public eye. They help illustrate how Bowen theory can help explain how families—three of which appear fairly normal and one which does not—unwittingly produce an offspring that chronically manifests some time of severely aberrant behavior. Finally, the book proposes a new "unidisease" concept—the idea that a wide range of diseases have a number of physiological processes in common. In an Epilogue, Kerr applies Bowen theory to his family to illustrate how changes in a family relationship system over time can better explain the clinical course of a chronic illness than the diagnosis itself. With close to four thousand hours of therapy conducted with about thirty-five hundred families over decades, Michael Kerr is an expert guide to the ins and outs of this most influential way of approaching clinical work with families.
In The Secrets of Happy Families, New York Times bestselling author Bruce Feiler has drawn up a blueprint for modern families — a new approach to family dynamics, inspired by cutting-edge techniques gathered from experts in the disciplines of science, business, sports, and the military. Don't worry about family dinner. Let your kids pick their punishments. Ditch the sex talk. Cancel date night. These are just a few of the surprising innovations in this bold first-of-its-kind playbook for today's families. Bestselling author and New York Times family columnist Bruce Feiler found himself squeezed between caring for aging parents and raising his children. So he set out on a three-year journey to find the smartest solutions and the most cutting-edge research about families. Instead of the usual family "experts," he sought out the most creative minds—from Silicon Valley to the set of Modern Family, from the country's top negotiators to the Green Berets—and asked them what team-building exercises and problem-solving techniques they use with their families. Feiler then tested these ideas with his wife and kids. The result is a fun, original look at how families can draw closer together, complete with 200 never-before-seen best practices. Feiler's life-changing discoveries include a radical plan to reshape your family in twenty minutes a week, Warren Buffett's guide for setting an allowance, and the Harvard handbook for resolving conflict. The Secrets of Happy Families is a timely, counterintuitive book that answers the questions countless parents are asking: How do we manage the chaos of our lives? How do we teach our kids values? How do we make our family happier? Written in a charming, accessible style, The Secrets of Happy Families is smart, funny, and fresh, and will forever change how your family lives every day.
Allan has always tried to do the sensible thing. So when his sister Elsie became pregnant eight years ago and was ditched by her boyfriend, he stepped up to the plate. Since then, he's been his sister's support system and father figure to his niece. Allan's world is turned upside down when Elsie becomes engaged and he meets her fiancé's older brother, Davinder -- a beautiful, brooding artist with a thousand secrets in his eyes. But Davinder is a married man and father of two young boys. From the moment they meet, Allan and Davinder walk along the edge of their secret lives, never allowed to push open the gates. Though their love is a head-on collision, a meeting of the minds, a fusing of two lost souls, both men know that it is also -- and above all -- impossible.
