Author: Mikel Billstrom

Publisher:

Published: 2019-09-19

Total Pages: 86

ISBN-13: 9781793924506

Dear Reader, Will you go on a journey with me? I need to tell you- this was hard, but I put it out there anyway. It's personal, and I'm inviting you to scream with me, cry with me, be so angry you can't stand it, to better understand with me, but most of all I'm inviting you into my life and being part of my healing. Growing up I was shy, angry, insecure, and constantly messing up my life. It continued into my adult life...I wanted more, but I had to clear the air with my mom. I had to say the things I never wanted her to hear. But it had to happen and I invited her on the same journey you're about to take with me. Here is how it started- I asked my mom to listen. FROM THE BOOK Mom, I need to be honest, I think about death a lot. I am not sure why, but I remember watching my dad being slowly lowered into the ground and I can't help but think he had more to say. I doubt he knew he would die before his mom, and I am so afraid that you would have questions if I were to die today. I know for sure dad would want to make things right with his mom, as well as you and me. I can't imagine not making things right with you before I die. Death is always lurking around the corner. This thought of death drives me crazy because I need you to know what I feel. I need you to know how I have handled our crazy life. I tried to disown you many times because I felt as though you chose a lifestyle over me, but I now know the truth. I am so scared to write this, but I'm afraid to die with it still inside me. I am so afraid to mess this up or that I'm going to let you down and embarrass you. I am scared to have people judge you. I am afraid the words won't come out right or what I mean to say will be taken wrong. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I do know one thing for sure. I am afraid. I need help writing this, but I have nobody to turn to, much like my childhood. Alone with my thoughts and wondering what it would be like to have someone to turn to. I need to warn you-you will cry. I know this because I start to cry, just thinking of what I am about to say to you. I know you picture a muscular 35 year-old man, who isn't afraid of anyone or anything, but I am still that little boy who was scared to be alone. I'm still that little boy who was told: "you're the man of the house now!". I am that little boy who wanted to protect you, but was too small to do anything about it. I want that little boy to heal. Death is always chasing me. I'm afraid of death, and the only way to fearlessly face death is to heal that little boy. I am talking about the boy who wants so badly to be a man, but at the same time doesn't know what that means. I know there is a man inside of me somewhere, but he won't show himself until the little boy is healed. He won't reveal himself unless I tell the truth. Mom, I need to heal. Will you help me? I need you to listen. HERE IS WHAT I WOULD SAY IF YOU WILL LISTEN. If you're ready, I am prepared to reveal the man that's screaming to come out. The man of my potential. I am nervous, but I am going to write anyway. I challenge you to embrace all the feelings that surface. I have learned that feelings are not to be avoided. After all, they are called FEELINGS. They are to be felt and used. Will you promise to feel with me? I promise to be quick and not use too many big words:)